A Hunchback Christmas
by Opaque Opal
Summary: The main characters of HoND are spending Christmas together. Will they put their differences aside? Or will they end up killing each other? Rated T to be safe, some OOC, not meant to be taken seriously. After all, it IS a parody. Oneshot. R&R!


**A/N: Alright, once again I was attacked by a plot bunny after reading LilyHellsing's "A Pink Ornament with Eyes" fanfiction. Twas very cute. In addition, I think it was about time I wrote a Christmas fanfiction since everyone else is writing one. On with the chappie! **

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_For some strange reason that the authoress is unable to explain, the main characters of Hunchback of Notre Dame are forced to spend Christmas with one another. _

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Snowflakes danced gaily in the air before melting on the cobblestones. The ebony sky was twinkling from the few stars that felt like shining that night. Yes, my friends, it was Christmas Eve! And at that very moment, Judge Claude Frollo was quietly sipping eggnog, settling down in front of the fireplace to read the Christmas story aloud to himself from an ancient Bible. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Who would possibly be calling at this hour?" he growled, shutting the holy book. Calling for his maid to open the door, he amused himself by staring into the hearth.

"You have visitors, monsieur!" the maid trilled, "shall I let them in?" Succumbing to the Christmas spirit, he nodded. Upon doing so he regretted his decision. For at that moment, he was looking at the Captain of the Guard, two Gypsies, a hunchback, and a goat.

"Merry Christmas, old Scrooge!" Clopin said jovially.

"What the devil is this? You know I hate every single one of you!" Frollo spat, "Well, except for Esmeralda. My feelings for her change like the weather." Esmeralda glared at him. However, no one could deny her Christmas spirit. Rather than wearing her Festival of Fools dress or her regular one, she wore a crimson skirt and green blouse. A white ribbon decorated with holly branches kept her bushy black hair out of her face.

"We figured that since it was the holiday season, we should put aside our differences for at least a night," Phoebus explained, clapping Frollo's bony shoulder.

"After all, it _is _Christmas!" reasoned Quasi, beaming at his master.

Meanwhile, Clopin was bouncing around the room making it festive. Somehow he managed to string tinsel around the room and prop up a giant Christmas tree. Whether tinsel was even used, let alone invented back then, no one will know. And at the moment the authoress is quite lazy to look it up on Wikipedia and believes that even mild historical inaccuracies should be forgiven this time of year.

"Now, who wants to roast chestnuts?" Phoebus asked.

"I do!" exclaimed Esmeralda, waving her hand like an eager preschooler. Quasi, meanwhile, was trying to hang mistletoe over the doorway.

"Quasimodo, what are you doing?" Frollo asked, wrinkling his brow in confusion.

"Oh! I'm hanging mistletoe! Apparently if two people get caught underneath it they have to kiss!"

"And you think that someone would kiss_ you _because of a tradition set by a plant?" Frollo sneered. Quasi looked like he wanted to say yes, but already tears were threatening to spill down his mishapen face.

"Now really Frollo, how is it possible for you to survive without a heart?" Esmeralda asked angrilly. Taking Quasimodo's hand, she led him under the mistletoe and kissed him not on the cheek, but right on his lips. After breaking the kiss, it was hard to tell who was more shocked; Frollo or Quasimodo.

"Gosh, Frollo! You look like St. Nicholas has given you a lump of coal!" Clopin exclaimed, "and Quasi, you look bewildered!"

"Enough of this nonsense! Can't we just do something quiet?" Frollo grumbled. The Gypsy King grinned, producing a bearded puppet on one hand and the Virgin Mary in another.

"Okie dokie!" squeaked the male puppet. Phoebus, who had noticed the commotion from the other side of the room, groaned. Esmeralda and Quasi were amused, and they settled themselves in front of the windbacked chair that Clopin was using as a stage. After waiting for everyone to settle down, he began to narrate the classic Christmas story.

"Joseph! We must go to Bethlehem. For the angel Gabriel has sent word that I shall give birth to the Son of God!" Clopin said, making his vocal chords strain with effort as he tried to immitate a female.

"Right you are Mary," he replied, much deepr this time, "but it is a long way to carry you. Wait, I know!" Clopin popped up from the chair, grabbing Djali.

"What are you doing?" Esmeralda shrieked as Djali bleated loudly.

"Djali is going to carry the Virgin Mary to Bethlehem!" Clopin said obviously. Cocking his wrist upward, he instructed Djali to prance about the room. Quasi smiled good-naturedly while everyone else was fighting the urge to either laugh or scream.

"Why don't we sing some Christmas carols?" Phoebus suggested.

"I've got one!" Esmeralda exclaimed, jumping to her feet. And with that, she began tosing a famous Christmas song that probably wasn't invented until the 19th century.

_Jingle bells, jingle bells_

_jingle all the way_

_O what fun, it is to ride_

_in a Gypsy caravan-AN_

_Jingle bells, jingle bells_

_jingle all the way_

_O what fun, it is to ride_

_in a Gypsy caravan-AN_

Realizing that no one was going to enjoy his puppet show, Clopin joined in and started to sing another song.

_You know Crasher, and Lancer and Cancer and Vixie, Vomit and Stupid, Connor and Trixie_

_But do you recall?_

_The most famous goat of them all!_

_Djali the Gold-Hooped Goat_

_Had a very shiny hoop_

_And if you ever saw it_

_You wouldn't even say it drooped_

_All of the other goats_

_Used to laugh and call him names_

_They never let poor Djali_

_Join in any goat-type games_

_Then one foggy Christmas Eve, St. Nick came to say_

_"Djali with your hoop so bright; won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" _

_Then how the goats did love him. As they shouted out with glee "Djali the Gold-Hooped Goat, you'll go down in history!"_

Everyone clapped, feeling merrier already. Toasting to steaming mugs of hot chocolate, they wished each other a happy new year. They were about to fall asleep when Frollo cleared his throat.

"Would you like to add something, sir?" Phoebus asked. Frollo looked aprehensive as he stared into the faces of those whom he normally detested.

"I just wanted to say that it was nice of you to spend the holiday with me. Even though I've tried to jail, rob, murder, rape, bribe, seduce, whip, chain, isolate, embarrass, anger, depress and scare all of you, it was nice to put all those emotions aside for just one day. Even if it is highly out of my canon behaviors."

"Alas! A cornucopia of love!" Quasimodo cried, hugging his Master. Grunting slightly, Frollo hesitantly patted Quasi's hump. Pretty soon, everyone else gathered around him and hugged. Even Djali licked Frollo's ankle.

"But that's not all I wanted to say," Frollo stated, "I want to contribute one more carol. That is, if you don't mind."

"No, that's perfectly fine," Esmeralda grimaced. Nodding, Frollo coughed and drew himself up to full height. Then, he began to sing in an extremely low voice a classic rhyme:

_'Twas the night before Christmas_

_And all through the house_

_Not a creature was stirring _

_Not even a mouse_

_The stocking were hung by the chimney with care_

_In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there_

_The fangirls were nestled all snug in their beds_

_While visions of Clopin (and every male character except Quasimodo) danced in their heads_

Not knowing what to make of it, the quartet and Djali just stared at Frollo. And so, this concludes a Christmas story. And may you all be blessed with a safe and happy holiday, no matter what you celebrate.

**THE END**


End file.
